Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
