hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The air was thick with penises
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
