It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
