Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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