Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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