Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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