Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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