I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
