I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
