You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
