our cab driver is having phone sex.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
