You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
