corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
