Yo dont text me then not text me
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
how do flat chested girls get laid?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
