So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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