Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
