Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
