I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
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Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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