**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
