I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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