Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
