this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
