Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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