Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
