people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
