the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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