Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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