i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
