Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
