Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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