We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
