I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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