Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
