I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
