I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
