winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
