Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
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found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
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My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"