i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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