I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
