How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
