Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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