i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
