Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
