Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
