I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
