I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
