im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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