this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
