he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
