Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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