I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
