I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
