I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
