I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can you bring me the toilet please
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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