i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
