I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
