I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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