Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
