Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
