Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
