he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
