ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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